Saturday, July 23, 2005

Ich Habe Keine Lust!
Still In Sexile on Windsor Street

Have you ever gotten the feeling that the things that you'd normally enjoy doing cease to become fun after a short period of time?

Ponder on this little question. You try to play the field but somehow whatever worked in 1987 is now considered irrelevant, silly or offensive in 2005.

This is the longest dry spell that I've had. Aside from half-assed fooling around and pay-per-fucks, I haven't really had that much intimacy for that long.

Of course, I have competition - younger, brasher and more fashion conscious than us aging ex-stoner metalhead fucks. As much as I try hard to keep up with the times and vibes, I'm still the old man around here.

Losing weight and sticking to a balanced diet has helped greatly, but everything becomes irrelevant as soon as the hair starts growing greyer and thinner.

And as soon as I open my mouth, I'd drop a reference to some vague old-school fact that some of the ladies might find alien. For example, many people think that Britney Spears made "My Prerogative" a big hit, but I would correct them by saying that Bobby Brown did it first, and light-years much better than the now-preggers ex-Mouseketeer.

As if... when was the last time Bobby had a hit, aside from the type he would get from a bong?

IMO - some women can be so superficial. (Agree? Disagree? Discuss.) First thing that they would see is the face, then the clothes and then the shoes. They would then listen to the voice and what words go with them. They would prefer to look at the tip of the iceberg than delve deeper to find out what's holding it up. And that is probably why I'm still not getting any at this time.

And this past Thursday night at the Split Crow, one Sup Tech that I know (you know who you are, M. P.) has outed one of my articles in my other site.

FTWK, it's the one about... ahem.

At this point, I really don't care. But did come up with a nice little retort for any critics and anyone who would diss me about my short-coming:

"THE BIGGER THE DICK... THE BIGGER THE DICK!"

So, this weekend, I'm gonna lay a little low. The weather in Hali for the past 2 weeks has been wicked-hot. I still have to hit the beach, and very soon, because I'm looking like a damn zebra at this point - tanned arms, legs, head and neck, but white all points in-between. I feel confident not wearing a shirt at this point, so there should be no issue in not getting the full sunbathing treatment. And Crystal Cresent Beach may be that destination for sun worshipping. But the nitelife will have to be put on hold.

In fact, I'm designating Sundays and some Saturdays - starting with this one - as "anti-social" days. This means that even though I'll be polite to the my co-workers and shipmates, I won't be hanging with them in a social setting. After all, being a Master Seaman in Her Majesty's Canadian Navy is a double edged sword: not quite a God, yet not quite a lackey, either. And in my current gig, I'm an MS 24/7 to some of these peeps.

I need my headspace and time to cultivate it. I need to maintain the separation of work and personal life (or some semblence thereof) - thus ensuring my sanity, focus and the eventual success of my own SUMMER OF SEX mission. I want to keep my freedom to express myself accordingly, online and offline, and if I alienate anyone, too bad! I have that right! I am my own person in my own right, and as far as I'm concerned, my sanity and health comes first and foremost.

Yes... I did have a shitty week, and my Friday was even less better than the other days. If I didn't gallivant my way into bankruptcy, I would've invested in a portable air conditioning unit, but fuck it - I have a fan that works quite well, thank-you. I hardly got any decent sleep all week because of the humidity - at least I'm thankful that the air quality here is much better than in Toronto.

Speaking of money, I have a car to sell. Pics and more later. Being in Hali means that virtually everything is within walking/cycling distance, and Man, do I need the exercise.

So... to everyone trying to get in touch with me this weekend, take it easy - I wanna veg, decompress then regenerate. The stress made me to hit the roof, and I want to come down at this time. So I beg to you all - don't call me. I'll call you, Please.

(Special notice to certain members of Mod 21, St. Laurent Block, Windsor Park, CFB Halifax: either keep it down and discreet, or get a hotel room. Please. For the sake of this sexile. Either that or hook me up with some lady-friend, okay? Heartless, inconsiderate, horney bastards. Sheesh.)

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Forget Live 8 -
Welcome To
"LIVE DRAY!"
(A somewhat "live" blog)

Shabbat Shalom, y'all.

Yesterday's Canada Day was a fucked-up washout. Today's Live 8 extravaganza should make up for everything that was more-or-less lost through rain and fog.

Of course, Live 8 is brought to us by the same mad genius who brought "Band Aid" and Live Aid in the dreadful 80s. Unlike Live Aid, which was mainly humanitarian in nature, Live 8 has a political agenda to wipe out Third World poverty. As leaders from the G8 countries meet in Scotland later this month, activists everywhere are urging them to give up 0.7% of their respective countries' GDP to alleviate the pain in Africa and Asia.

This may sound like a noble cause, but the G8 nations have their own poverty issues, and if PM Paulyanna were to give up our share of the pie, health and welfare services may suffer along with other parts of the government's infrastructure. So the whole world poverty issue is a tough one to resolve.

But really... all this talk about solving all the world's problems and issues would take up lots of bandwidth on this day, so at this point, IT'S ALL ABOUT THE MUSIC. And there's a lot of it to go around, featuring some decent sets by Die Toten Hosen in Berlin, Good Charlotte in Tokyo (the Japanese seemed to be into them - could the Charlottes be the new Cheap Trick?), Macca and U2, Coldplay, Elton John and that scoundrel Peter Dougherty, and Dido and Yossou N'Dour, all in London.

My own personal issue (African poverty notwithstanding) is CTV's coverage of Live 8. Sure - it does cost a mad shitload of money to host and broadcast an event like this, but do we really need to see shitloads of ads in order to pay for this? There could be better ways to do an event with fewer interruptions.

Right about now, Barrie has come online as part the Live 8 experience, and Tom Cochrane has just taken the stage.

As for me, I'll be dropping in to add more stuff to this semi-live experience.

One dumb question: where's Rush?

14:01 ADT - Back in Jo-Burg, the living legend Nelson Mandela adresses the massive, admonishing the leaders of the G8 to do the right thing. "It is easy to make promises but never go to action", Nelson said, asking for commitment, leadership and responsibility. That's one big order to fight a big monster, and 8 countries can't do that all by themselves. He closes his speech by asking all of humanity to rise up to the challenge. Tom Green tells the peeps in Barrie, ON to cheer Nelson on his speech, then introes Simple Plan. Redundantly. They mistakenly call the Barrie crowd "Toronto", but these maudits Montrealers can be forgiven.

14:42 ADT - Straight outta London, the Snoopster pours out his social consciousness with his unique bizzle on the mic. How do I know? I said "Fuck the CTV - I'm going online!"

As much as I don't trust AOL any further than I could toss their CD-roms, I think they're doing a better job in giving us cyber-tubers some choice.

Gotta get some pizza.

Wait... meanwhile in Paris, erstwhile tennis pro Yannick Noah gets down on a world beat tip. This bro's got skills!

In steamy, sultry Barrie, troubador and activist Bruce Cockburn goes solo with some classics and a six-stringer. All of a sudden, the crowd chilled. Was it because of the songs or the heat? I may never know until the end of the day.

15:00 ADT - In Philly, Natalie Portman put her Queen Amidala hat on to remind everyone about the reason why there's a Live 8 in the first place, then presented a tape-delayed feed of (C)oldplay's London performance. Time to change channels, eh?

15:06 ADT - Bad sound, sloppy performances plague the Barrie show, and Québec's Les Trois Accords are no exception. It seems that no-one's paying attention. Maybe it's because these guys sing in French. Or maybe because the audience had enough of Simple Plan. Oh well... time to get something to fucking eat!

15:11 ADT - Sir Bob Geldof brought out this lady from Ethiopia whose picture appeared in the original Live Aid event. She turned out quite nicely and thanked us all for the support (you're welcome, eh?). Bob said that efforts live Live Aid (and Live 8 for that matter) work and lambasted the heartless naysayers. Then Madonna (Inc.) came out and represented "Like a Prayer".

19:12 ADT - I may have a missed a few big-name acts, but after coming back from a late lunch, I saw Hell freezing over as the classic Pink Floyd lineup of Roger Waters, Dave Gilmour, Nick Mason and Richard Wright got together in London, playing "Money" and harmonizing on "Wish You Were Here". No drama there except for Roger's dedication of the song to those who couldn't attend (and original Floyd-man Syd Barrett). Then, it all became "Comfortably Numb", and all of a sudden it was 1981 all over again.

19:30 ADT - Nobody does "Higher Ground" like Stevie Wonder. And damnit - he's still good. He looks good. How does he take care of himself at such an advanced age? And who does his hair?

And at this point, I'd have to big-up AOL for ensuring that their servers and routers hold up to all this traffic from us music addicts.

19:46 ADT - Sir Macca's back. He gave us a taste of what his set would be like at the start of the London show when he performed "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Harts Club Band" (complete with real French horns) with U2. George Michael joined him for "Baby Drive My Car". And right now he's ripping into "Helter Skelter", thereby stealing it back from Bono and Manson (Charlie, not Marilyn).

19:49 ADT - Meanwhile, in Barrie, ON, bad sound engineering has fucked-over the Tragically Hip's set. And why the fuck is Dan Ackroyd ruining "Poets" with his shitty blues harp plating? Of all the Live 8 shows, Barrie's just plain bush league. No offence, but why can't I feel this show, especially since I come from that area of the country?

20:00 ADT - Sometimes, if you graze too much through the different "channels" that AOL has offered, you might miss something. In this case, I missed the closing number of London's Live 8 show, which featured Macca leading in a sing-along version of "Hey Jude". But it was just magical - all the artists and civilians united in song. And that was it for London.

20:12 ADT - Barrie is sucking. Not the town, mind you, but the sound crew should go to remedial Live Mixing 101 for this shameful shitty performance. And right now they're butchering DMC's set. Especially when you have the dude who used to front Buckcherry, for fuck's sake.

And I ask myself, "Isn't this Buckcherry dude supposed to be dead from a heoin OD?" Like, WTF?

20:21 ADT - Well... all the other cities dropped out. Philly signed off not too long ago after Stevie Wonder's set. So now Barrie's left. How are they going to take up the slack this time? The soundwork was not much help, and there are time when the calibre of performance from some of the acts was just plain crap. So maybe this is the time for the show to redeem itself, right?

Actually, I'm just gonna drop out right about now and head out to the fireworks display on the waterfront. Maybe I'll read the reviews tomorrow. Then again, I'll cook up a synopsis as well.

This has been a damn good day for music. Damn the politics. IT WAS ALL ABOUT THE MUSIC IN THE END.

Stay grounded.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Happy Cannabis Canada Day, Muthafuckers...
And Say Hello To
THE SUMMER OF SEX!

For us Canucks, July 1 has always been the real start of the summer season, although for many people living in la belle province of Qu├ębec, June 24 is the start date.

For me, July 1 evokes memories of parades, concerts, parties and fireworks.

And dressed-down ladies. In low-cut dresses. High-cut skirts. Near-invisible skimpy swimsuits.

For this sorry-assed sexile, I've made some resolutions for this sultry season. While some of them may be a bit unattainable either for legal or financial reasons, they at least provide some kind of diversion and release from the repetitive doldrums of working in the summer.

  1. Maintain a relatively low body mass: meaning no McDonalds, Wendy's or Burger *retch* King. Keep well hydrated, walk, bike, swim. Just avoid cultivating the handlebars any further and everything should be aiiight.


  2. Camera at the ready: you may never know when the ultimate Kodak Moment™ might come along. But with a good cheap digital camera, you could keep those memories alive forever and ever. Especially if get a couple of loosened-up ladies to moon you. And then some.


  3. Drink less, talk less, listen more: I've learned (via trial and error) that the more I opened my mind, the more likely I give a lady a lasting impression. No matter how hammered she may be, a lady has this unusual skill to remember everything that more or less happened the morning after, a skill that eventually becomes something called "a mother's intuition", so watch your muthafuckin' step if you want to mack the missus.


  4. Every woman is my target - and everyone else's: this is a fact. That woman at the end of the bar that you are eyeing could be mine in the end. Likewise, my intended prey could be someone else's nitecap. And that hot little number you have in your bed, on your dick, right now? Give her back. Now.


  5. Hang out at any appropriate venue: parks - beaches - libraries - outdoor bazaars... you name it, I'll play it. One may never know what might be found at these places: Kodak Moments™, wicked bargains, art, women... the list goes on. And I'll be up in it and all over.


  6. Read lots and practice: it's amazing how many magazines have articles realted to fishing, if you know what I mean, eh? I may have laughed many of them off in the past. This time, writeoffs will not be an option. Even an experienced lounge lizard like me need some new tactics in the Quest for Desire©.


  7. Commitment? On hold, for now: what's a little snuggle cuddle and fondle for one night only? If you're in the market, you'd like to check the goods inside and out, right? In other words - if you're too choosy, you'll get nothing in the end.

    (Note: this doesn't work for everyone. As matter of fact, this may create more issues than it can solve. Consult your physician/pshychologist/drinking-drugging buddy before proceeding. I'll take care of the rest.)


  8. If the fish bite, reel it in ASAP: there's no shittier feeling than contemplating on the one that got away. So if there's a sign of a nibble, go for the kill.


  9. Stock up on "protection": because sailing the Seven Seas for booty is always hazardous.
Whatever the outcome if the cards are played right, misgivings on execution notwithstanding, the choice is clear.

It's open season on nookie holders and a hunting I will go.

Let this great game begin. I'm coming in.

WORD!

And have a Happy Canada, y'all!