Friday, April 19, 2013

Nothing to see here now... move along... life happens... later.


For quite a long time, this blog has been languishing along with my other projects.

In the past, with some new means of expression, I would play around , do some shits and giggles, then, once bored, run off to do something else with a new toy.

In this case, my new toy is "The Jacques Treatment".

"The Jacques Treatment" was originally a series of vids that I did on YouTube. Unlike the vitriol that I've posted on this blog in the past, mine consisted of some random thoughts and other silly shit. There was some great potential with them. People would subscribe to my channel and post something.

Then, I became bored with that. There are so many people doing vids, plus doing the post-production and uploading took a lot of my me-time to watch other people's vids.

Throughout all this time, I was going through therapy, a failed relationship, work stress, several near-evictions, financial woes, midlife and existential crises, addiction, recovery, relapse, re-recovery, anger, confusion, personal behavioural issues, self-reflection...

All these things would drive a normal person to suicide.

I admit: I'm not really that normal a person.

I'm not a totally responsible person.

Sometimes the competitiveness, mandates and chaos of the real world pisses me off and I simply wanted to withdraw just once and find solace in the eternal playground of my mind, which never stops creating an alternate universe and thinking well outside the box.

In the past, I didn't live my life right. I've probably made more mistakes and have gotten into trouble that any normal person would never think of doing in the first place. I've made a lot more enemies than I have made friends. all for the wrong reasons. And I may have alienated many more than I care to remember..

I've done my share of self-delusion and self-medication. I've given into temptation many times over. And I must admit, I enjoyed the ride while it lasted until either the money ran out or when the ride started to affect my "normal" life, the one that created the money in the first place.

I will not explain to you my 2 "bottoms". This is not something that I would wish to discuss except to a few trusted people who know. It was, in hindsight, very unpleasant and has cost me more than my sanity. But they woke me up, albeit too late to undo any damage made in their wakes.

But here I am. Recovering. Regrouping. Rebuilding.

I may not have enough time on this earth - the human body doesn't rejuvenate itself and will always betray  and foil its master at times. But I still want to be The Man. Hopefully sooner than later.

I accept my past. I cannot change it. I cannot rewrite it. I cannot ignore it. There are times when I simply damn it. But I'm proud of the small victories that I have made and the contributions that I have made to society, to the community.

But my priority is the here-and-now. And things don't get done on their own. My job, as a creative being, is to live a better life. To create. To express, Without a gun pointed at my head.. So to Hell with you, World. I'm here to stay.

The world stops for no-one. It sure as hell didn't stop for me. Don't expect it to stop for you.