For me, July 1 evokes memories of parades, concerts, parties and fireworks.
And dressed-down ladies. In low-cut dresses. High-cut skirts. Near-invisible skimpy swimsuits.
For this sorry-assed sexile, I've made some resolutions for this sultry season. While some of them may be a bit unattainable either for legal or financial reasons, they at least provide some kind of diversion and release from the repetitive doldrums of working in the summer.
- Maintain a relatively low body mass: meaning no McDonalds, Wendy's or Burger *retch* King. Keep well hydrated, walk, bike, swim. Just avoid cultivating the handlebars any further and everything should be aiiight.
- Camera at the ready: you may never know when the ultimate Kodak Moment™ might come along. But with a good cheap digital camera, you could keep those memories alive forever and ever. Especially if get a couple of loosened-up ladies to moon you. And then some.
- Drink less, talk less, listen more: I've learned (via trial and error) that the more I opened my mind, the more likely I give a lady a lasting impression. No matter how hammered she may be, a lady has this unusual skill to remember everything that more or less happened the morning after, a skill that eventually becomes something called "a mother's intuition", so watch your muthafuckin' step if you want to mack the missus.
- Every woman is my target - and everyone else's: this is a fact. That woman at the end of the bar that you are eyeing could be mine in the end. Likewise, my intended prey could be someone else's nitecap. And that hot little number you have in your bed, on your dick, right now? Give her back. Now.
- Hang out at any appropriate venue: parks - beaches - libraries - outdoor bazaars... you name it, I'll play it. One may never know what might be found at these places: Kodak Moments™, wicked bargains, art, women... the list goes on. And I'll be up in it and all over.
- Read lots and practice: it's amazing how many magazines have articles realted to fishing, if you know what I mean, eh? I may have laughed many of them off in the past. This time, writeoffs will not be an option. Even an experienced lounge lizard like me need some new tactics in the Quest for Desire©.
- Commitment? On hold, for now: what's a little snuggle cuddle and fondle for one night only? If you're in the market, you'd like to check the goods inside and out, right? In other words - if you're too choosy, you'll get nothing in the end.
(Note: this doesn't work for everyone. As matter of fact, this may create more issues than it can solve. Consult your physician/pshychologist/drinking-drugging buddy before proceeding. I'll take care of the rest.)
- If the fish bite, reel it in ASAP: there's no shittier feeling than contemplating on the one that got away. So if there's a sign of a nibble, go for the kill.
- Stock up on "protection": because sailing the Seven Seas for booty is always hazardous.
It's open season on nookie holders and a hunting I will go.
Let this great game begin. I'm coming in.
And have a Happy Canada, y'all!