They're all about hype, flash, gats, hos and parties up the ying-yang.
And with Sean Combs/Puffy/Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Diddy hosting the festivities this year, expect the fashion to factor in with the passion.
So here we go with the 2005 MTV Video Music Awards, "live" from Miami, FL... (all times Atlantic Daylight Time)
21:22 - Ciara and Missy Elliott in tha hizzle when I tuned in. Presented Ludacris who set us up the bomb.
21:27 - This year's host, Diddy (2.5) declared that this edition will be classy, yet "anything will happen". Funny, since there seemed that the network has implemented a tape delay to filter out those damn swear-words. Thank God Much has provided its viewers with a discliamer!
21:30 - Ex-Elf Orlando Bloom and femme-fatale Kirsten Dunst take to the stage to present the award for the "Best Rock Video". Noms: Wheezer, the Killers, Green Day, Foo Fighters, My Chemical Romance. I'd take the Killers anyday. They choose Green Day instead. Billie Joe was grateful that MTV still recognised rock.
21:40 - After a commercial break, Grandmaster Flash has the crowd up on its feet. Diddy was about to present the next performer when some bimbo started yelling his name. Grandmaster Flash in turn cranked out some old school. Diddy eventually broke it down, eventually getting joined on stage by Miami's godfather, Luke.
After a quick interlude by MC Hammer, Jessica and Ashley Simpson took to the stage to present the award for the best R 'n B vid. For a couple of ditzcases, they looked hot. What do I know about R 'n B, except the Moonman went to Alicia Keyes, who also looked tasty-hot. Inverted Oreoes, anyone?
21:48 - Jessica Alba and some guy from the Miami Heat - I don't care who he is, 'cept that he eventually got joined onstage by Shaquille O'Neil - presented Shakira 'longside Alejandro Sanz. Why am I thinking that Shakira is wearing wayy too much clothing? Come to think of it, so was Jessica.
Commercial break comment 1: take my word for it - Jason Statham is the new coolest man in movies. I loved his style in "Snatch" and "Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels". I didn't see the original "Transporter", but by the look of the trailer, I'm heading to see "Transporter 2". Serious.
22:00 - Usher takes to the stage to present a sample of clowning and crumping - a fusion of robot dancing and breaking. The Best Dance Video nominees: J Ho, Missy and Ciara, Shakira, Ciara, Destiny's Child. As a sympathy vote, Destiny should take it. Nope - it's Missy amd Ciara.
Why do I suspect that Ciara looks like a name for a prescription drug? "Sorry, doc. I don't think I could get it up for my woman. What can you get me?" "Well, there's this new drug called 'Ciara' that will keep you 'up' as long as you like." "Cool, doc. Hook me up."
22:06 - Eric Roberts takes to the stage to present R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet". Started with the video then cut right into a live lip-synch. No too freaking easy to sing an entire opera by one's self. My question is: WTF, R?
Conclusion: this is one way to ruin a good tune.
Second conclusion: R. Kelly's recent release may be ambitious, but it ain't "The Wall".
22:19 - Diddy tells the story about how he got around to calling himself "Diddy". Who cares, Sean.
Joel Madden and Hillary Duff - the new "Jay Z and Beyoncé"? I don't think so, eh? - present the Killers, live from a South Beach hotel. Good to hear a live band on an awards show. Ended with fireworks... cool.
22:27 - Li'l Kim and Jeremy Piven (who?) arrive on stage. Kim will be doing some time for conspiracy, but for now, the Best Rap Video award has to be given out. Fiddy and the Game? NEIN - Ludacris gets his Moonman.
22:38 - Diddy promised some surprises tonight. He did deliver Hammer. Now he has resurrected B.I.G. and brought Snoop Dogg 'longside for the ride. Good interlude, dudes.
22:42 - Common and Johnny Knoxville got on stage. Common did a little rough freestyling, then went to present the MTV 2 award to Fall Out Boy.
Have I mentioned the fact that I couldn't stand emo? Well, if it's supposed to be "emo"-tional, why are these guys whining? Shouldn't this genre be known as "whine-o"? Just wondering...
22:52 - Fat Joe takes to the stage to present some Latino "reggaeton" rappers. This genre mixes some salsa, hip-hop and good ol' 'maican dancehall. A nice diversion from the prefab pablum. Too bad each performer only had roughly 30 seconds to stru their stuff. The last performer, Daddy Yankee, had one of his vids nominated for the MTV 2 award.
Best Hip-Hop: Missy and Ciara, Common, Kanye West, Snoop and Pharell, Nas and Olu Dara. My pick - either Snoop or Kanye. They chose Missy and Ciara - AGAIN! WTF, MF?
22:59 - Pharell from the Neptunes/N.E.R.D. presents Coldplay. Chris Martin did the usual rockstar move of jumping into the audience to sing the rest of "Speed of Sound". I went out to have a cigarette, afterwards.
23:27 - "Comedian" David Coblenz (?) gave his routine about paranoia and violence, then joins Snoop for Best New Artist. I knew that the Killers would take it, so that was a no-brainer.
Since my smoke-break too a little longer to complete, I may have missed quite a few things.
Diddy soon appeared to award the $100 000 (U.S) "Diddy Fashion Challenge" to Snoop and Gewn Stefani. Gwen once said that she wouldn't appear at the award show because the organisers couldn't giver her time to perform, but I guess she changed her mind.
23:44 - Li'l John and Paulina Rubio were on hand to present the award for the Breakthrough Video. U2, Sara MacLachlan, Missy Elliott and Ciara and Gorillaz were nominated. I loved the mood of the Gorillaz tune, so they won. Noodle accepted for the group. Not bad for an animated player.
23:47 - 2 members from Black Eyed Peas present Fiddy Cent. He'll be starring in his own film, "Get Rich or Die Tryin'" in the fall, so what's a little cheap plug to boost the box office? A whole bunch of f-bombs were bleeped out, even though a couple slipped through. Oh well - gotta love Fiddy.
Commercial break comment 2: "Undiscovered"? By my standards... unwatchable. Another annoying tween chick-flick. Wake me up.
Back to Miami...
23:58 - Diddy bigs-up glam-punks My Chemical Romance. Nice quick set, eh?
00:02 - MTV's Viewer's Choice Award gets presented by
00:11 - Jamie Foxx decided to bring on Destiny's Child for their swan song appearance to present this year's Best Video. The noms: Snoop and Pharell, Kanye, Green Day, Coldplay, Gwen. Green Day got it.
00:17 - Kelly Clarkson - that "American Idol" chick - closes out the show with "Since You've Been Gone", barefoot and rawking out. I'm waiting for a wardrobe malfunction somewhere. But it's great to hear her sing live. And wet. Yeah. Wet.
Conclusion - after all that it was said and done, Green Day was the proverbial "Band of the Hour". Here's hoping that Clutch will be the next big thing next year!