People do make mistakes.
Some mistakes are more costly than others.
And while some of those who make them are truly evil, there are others who have no clue what they've done.
And those without a clue probably have done a great disservice to those who look up to them because of some demons running in their heads.
In the past, I had demons. And they were gnawing at my innards.
When I write, post, create music, the demons pushed me.
They forced my hand, drained my spirit, emptied the coffers.
In the end, as they were being vanquished, the demons played a cruel trick.
They left me holding the bag.
I have to take responsibilty for these actions. Both good and bad.
In some cases, I have to pay the cost for betrayal. In others, I have to take a bow.
For those who know... I had no clue. It was private. In my mind, I wasn't hurting anyone but myself.
But I was hurting others. And the clues were subtle, disturbing.
But as I complete my first year of recovery, I'm looking forward to a better life without the burden of moral, physical and spiritual abuse and dependancy.
Without the demons pushing me, I feel free, more aware, more alive.
For those who I've hurt in the past: I don't need forgiveness right away, but I do apologise for the pains caused.
For those who don't know: I'll be posting a few things in my main website. Maybe this will clear things up a little.
At this very moment, all I need is a little respect and a lot of support. Recovery is painful, the issues are legion, but I'm the same man that I was a year before.
Only, this time, the demons are no longer in control.
I'm fighting back.
And for those who struggle with the types of demons that I've faced, who were pushed or tempted into doing things that only other people do, you're not alone.
And to those haters who have written me off, I'm not going to tell you what to do with yourselves, but I wouldn't mind issuing you with a challenge to try to live through what I've experienced.
And while I'm willing to write down my experiences with addictions from the past 30 years, I prefer to live and enjoy my life in the here-and-now, to avoid festering in my many small failures and frailties in the past, and to learn how to love and respect myself again.
y-2-dray will always be about how I see the the world around me. I'll still be impatient with bleeding-heart surrenderists and ivory-tower utopian idealists who assume that what they want is what we want. But there won't be too many posts for the time being: I don't have as much time on my hands as I used to.
But just to let you know... I'm alive and well in the Darkside. And I'm not going to make any more mistakes this time.
Peace out. Respect.
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