Sunday vent - 30 Jan 2005

Aaahhrite! Here are some random rantings from the Chairman of the Bored...

1. Ghastly Ashley Simpson: serves her right for singing with my cock in her mouth (Goddamn - watch the teeth, bitch!) Her comeuppance at this year's Orange Bowl (a waste of my time on its own, BTW) was cruel and heartless, but understandable. Anyone who had to put up with a shitstorm of controversy would've lain low for a little while before regrouping and facing the masses.
   
   If Ashley were the professional that she claimed to be, she would've recovered from that technical fuckup on SNL and continued on with her latest "hit". But nooooooooooo! She did a jig and then fucked off. THAT'S PROFESSIONAL? ACID REFLUX? DRUMMER'S FAULT? FUCK THAT! FUCK ASHLEY! (OTOH - she might like it too much. Fuck that.)
   
   NEXT...
   
   
2. White Stripes? Is it just me, or are they really that talentless in spite of all that critical praise? What's this about an ex-husband/ex-wife group playing 3^rd-rate garage demoes and passing them off as songs? Death from Above 1979, the Inbreds, Local H and Timbuk 3 have/had similar lineups, yet they've managed to put on great shows and put out great, well-crafted and produced tunes. I'll bet that Jack White can put a lot more effort into his product, can't you, Jack?
   
   Take my advice - if you can't do enough justice to the songs that you've recorded, hire a band.
   
   
3. The Iraq elections: well, it's about fucking time, isn't it. And not a moment too soon. All the doomsayers on the Wrong side were predicting blodbath and voter intimidation, yet aside from various incidents as a result of a few bomb-crazy fuckateers, things seem to be on track in that nation's first stab at democracy.
   
   But as much as we wish the Iraqis the best of luck, we must also wish the best of luck to the Kurds, who were brutally oppressed in the bad old days of the Ba'athist regime.
   

   The Kurds, long cherishing hopes of sovereignty, were filling out three different ballots: one for the 275-member National Assembly, another for provincial councils, and a third for a local parliament for their autonomous region in the northern provinces of Sulaymaniyah, Irbil and Dohuk.
   
   The elections will give Kurds a chance to gain more influence in Iraq after long years of marginalization under the Baath party that ruled the country for 34 years.

   
   So, before we break out the party hats and say "Hallelujah", let's just pray that everything will turn out fine for all side in the end.
   
   That is, except for the al-Zarqueer buttfuckers running around.
   


4. Little Pauly Poopypants: awww... look at Little Pauly Poopypants playing Prime Minister of Canada. He loves to be the Prime Minister because whatever he can say will get done. Pauly loves to travel as the Prime Minister because he has a big plane paid for by the Grateful Taxpayers of this nation. While the rest of the country froze their asses off during Christmas, Little Pauly and his Poopypants family went to sunny Italy for a working holiday. Pauly loves working holidays because he gets to meet all these great leaders and go to all these great parties that the leaders would throw for him.
   
   Sadly, poor Little Pauly Poopypants forgot that as the leader of a First World industrial and democratic nation, he has responsabilities, and he has to make a lot of decisions. Nothing would deter him because Little Pauly Poopypants loves to be the Prime Minister of Canada. In fact, he wanted to call an election because he wants to make marriages legal for homosexual people. He wants to make the country safe for men to marry other men and women to marry other women. But most Canadians prefer a civil union as opposed to marriage for the homosexual people because for them, marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman so they could fuck and have children. They suspect that if the fags and dykes get married, all the benefits destined for a traditional nuclear family would go to a union that, by virtue of biology and anatomy, would not produce poopypants offspring.
   
   Now don't get me wrong... if the queers want to marry, let them. The more monogamous homos we have, the better, IMHO. But you see, Little Pauly Poopypants voted in favour of the traditional defition of marriage many, many years ago, and now he has changed his mind. Oh, how we love the way Little Pauly remains consistent with his decisions, and that has worried his classmates Stevie Harpie, Jumping Jack and GiGi DooDoo (who dreams of being King of Kebek one day) to no end. Hopefully, for the sake of his job, Little Pauly should to the right thing AND START MAKING UP HIS FUCKING MIND, ALREADY!
   
   I never liked that Paul Martin anyway. Too green for my needs.
   


5. Meanwhile...
   
   
   
   • WOULD YOU WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO BE CAUGHT WEARING THAT?
     Well... not unless someone has lowered the age of consent to 12!
     
   
   
   • FILE UNDER "JESUS FUCK, DUDE!"
     Buddy in San Antonio, TX was working at a construction site when a backhoe tipped over, its hook going through his left temple and out of his right eye.
     And he lived to tell the story. Sheesh.
     Someone better bring this feller a piece of wood to knock on. Sucks to be him, but...
     
   
   
   • JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF TITAN!
     After seeing the first few images of Huygens's descent into Titan, I've been mystified about the possibility of alien life on other worlds.
     So in my browser, I've bookmarked the Cassini-Huygens site so when Cassini passes by Titan the next time around, I'll soon find out.
     Can you say "Holy shit"? This is turning out to be a very interesting mission.
     


6. AND FINALLY: since my site is still under renovation, I'll leave you people with a Google search on "Britney Spears porn".
   
   One way or another, it will happen.
   

Enjoy your Sunday.

Them beer goggles can git ye in trouble, laddie!

From the land of the tartan (via "Big Boys")... one example why you shouldn't even think about driving drunk.

Or even crunk.

An Auschwitz Alphabet - 60 years later - 60 years from now.

Those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it.

Remember.

Never forget.

Never again.

Bitter irony alert: with some pride, most of my Dad's family escaped Shoah. Being in North Africa was one reason - the Nazis just didn't give a fuck about those who live in the desert, so they gave most of the responsibility of governing them to the Vichy representatives. My grandfather, Jacques, a butcher by trade, actually did some business with both the locals - French, Arab, Jew - and the Germans. Sure - the Jews in Algeria, Tunisia and Morocco were treated as second-class citizens (just like the Blacks in the segregationist South), but - by some hard-to-clearly-explain miracle - most were spared deportation.

Somehow, one would wish that 6 million co-religionists could've suffered this way...

Baruch atta Adona'i, Elohainu melech ha'olem...

Why we should fight DIRTY!

Where shall I begin?

I decided to drop by the Sondra K's blog when an article caught my eye regarding abuses of Iraqi prisoners as reported by Human Rights Watch.

Of course, there had to be a link to something else. Thus, there was one to an article in the Jawa blog.

Needless to say, it contained pics of a couple of Iraqis being beheaded by those nice people from the al-Zarqawi al-Qaeda cell. Pretty graphic shit, thus I didn't even bother to download the video of the actual deed being done. If it were a horror movie, it would have been gross enough. But for fuck sakes - this was definitely the real thing!

So on that pleasant note, please direct yourselves to a commentary made by an ex-USN/USAFR flyer named Perry Clausen in the January, 2005 edition of the United States Naval Institute's magazine, Proceedings (for landlubber navy fans and warship trainspotters, it's a great read if you get your grubby paws on them), titled "Civilized Warfare Is Uncivilized".

I have always stated that in order to win a war, you have to plan how to win the peace. In the end, the only way to win friends may lie not in merely defeating your enemies, but by crushing them into irrelevance. If both the Right and Wrong ever wonder why Iraq is slowly turning into a clusterfuck migraine, maybe they should check out this passage...

The United States plays by the rules of international law, but its enemies do not. And because they do not fear us, war is more likely. We have lost track of the fact that military force is violent coercion and must be exercised in a way so frightening that no adversary will consider provoking us.

Take, for example, the Yanks' conduct at Abu Gharib. Then compare that to the compassionate and generous acts that al-Zarqawi's missionaries had done unto the two misguided Iraqis. The difference is clear - the two Iraqis will never work for the Great Satan again.

"But what about the poor little babies?" you might ask. Sadly, war is hell. If you don't want to get hurt, get the hell out. Better yet, switch sides...

Distinctions between combatants and civilians are artificial because, in fact, they are all enemies. The nation's success in defeating conventional military formations and its reluctance to attack civilians provide powerful incentives to fight from civilian sanctuaries.

In virtually all wars, civvy populations will get whacked mainly because that's where soldiers come from! Crush your enemies into dust, then rebuild them as your friends. Clausen sums up one example that maybe the generals in charge should've followed...

The Roman Empire understood regime change. After defeating a country, it moved quickly to demonstrate the advantages of membership in its political and econamic systems. Those who resisted the changes were dealt with severely. In Operation Iraqi Freedom we ignored the neccessity if instilling fear on the Iraqi civilian population. (Well... no shit, Sherlock! - Y2D) ... "Shock and awe" required that someone be shocked. Instead of killing the enemy, some buildings and rusty tanks were destroyed for television viewers, while thousands of enemy soldiers simply went home - many to fight another day.

There are a lot more things that Perry Clausen has to say. War is definitely dirty work. No one wants to fight it, but these days there are those who are still fighting the same enemy over and over again because that enemy has time to regroup, replenish and refresh before the next battle. The reason why Germany and Japan are no longer considered enemies was because they had their asses and those of their mommies handed back to them - Germany through conventional means, Japan by nukes. The Romans had their Pax Romana because they erased Carthage from the map.

So maybe the solution would lie in wielding resolve to its maximum level. Rather than be over-glorified and over-armed social workers, soldiers, sailors and airmen should be as they've always been in the early days of modern warfare: warriors. In closing, Clausen has this to say:

War is behavior modification through fear an annihilation... Rules of "civilized" warfare actually prolong conflict and reduce deterrence - especially when an uncivilized combatant games the system against a country playing by the rules. That leads to the most uncivilized outcome of all: more frequent and lengthy wars.

As a member of the military, war is the very last thing on my mind, but if it were to happen, it shall be very bloody, brutal and most of all decisive and quick so that everyone can have a lasting peace.

And for those fearful of U.S. domination, think about this: if it weren't for the Yanks, would you have afforded or enjoyed all the luxuries and benefits of modern life? Would you have been able to express yourself without fear of reprisal? Would you have that freedom of choice and the chance to use your voice? Would you have the power to create, construct and even deconstruct great works that evolve from the fruits of your imagination? Just think.

Thus... there you go.

Naaaah! It can't be!

Well... there goes my street cred.

NEXT...

Why Michael Moore shouldn't make Clint Eastwood's day

Courtesy of "You Bitch" is a nice little piece regarding the similarities between Dirty Harry and Mr. Fahrenheit 9/11...

With Moore sitting in the audience, the Dirty Harry star said, "Michael Moore and I actually have a lot in common - we both appreciate living in a country where there's free expression.

"But, Michael, if you ever show up at my front door with a camera - I'll kill you. I mean it."

Of course, the Proletarian Millionaire laughed off the threat: it's obvious that this punk does feel lucky.

Furious George Stroumboulopoulos takes on the nooz

I remember walking into the 102.1 the Edge (a.k.a. Edge 102, FM 102, CFNY-FM, respectively) studio on Yonge St. many years ago while George Stroumboulopoulos was interviewing the once-future-present Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee. I sorta kept my distance from the pair during the interview since he had come off a recent battery charge - you remember... then one against Vancouver Island-raised bimbette Pamela Anderson, eh?

After the interview, I asked George, who was already getting known as a very opinionated sonofabiatch on radio, how he felt interviewing Lee. His answer was quite simple: just be cool and objective, and focus on the subject. Then he turned on one of the studio's TV monitors showing Pamela Anderson sucking Tommy Lee's dick. (Or maybe that was before I asked George - my memory is a bit hazy.)

Fast forward to today and George has his own news show on CBC Newsworld called "The Hour". Not too much of a stretch considering that Mr. Stroumboulopoulos had done time at Muchmusic doing "The New Music", "Loud" and "The Punk Show", and interviewing numerous celebrities, including one infamous moment when Eminem took a nice little potshot at him after being asked a slightly personal question.

So how's George Stroumboulopoulos as a journo? He needs a little bit of work, considering that in spite of the show's live, irreverent bent, this is still a CBC Newsworld joint. But he did touch on a few interesting subjects such as the recent tsunami in Asia, Donald Trump's longevity on the celebrity scene, the ongoing, never-ending, mental masturbation of the NHL lockout and an interview with ex-Boomtown Rat Sir Bob Geldof.

He closed out the show with a nice slap at a US Army deserter asking for asylum in Canada because he didn't want to serve another tour of duty in Iraq (poor muffin), stating that signing up for the military was a responsibility and that the deserter should've known better before sticking his John Hancock in, and that if anyone wanted to get a post-secondary education without completing high school, there's always jail.

And that was all.

I'll give Stroumbo a month to settle in and square off. Then maybe I'll start enjoying the show.

But I also have to remember that this is CBC Newsworld, part of the CBC: a Crown Corporation rife with moonbats and pro-government (read: Liberal) hacks. So if George toes the line, he stays. If not... check your local record store: he might be there to help.

100 lb girl + 11 lb burger = WTF?

Michael King, the blogmeister at Rambling's Journal stumbled across an article claiming that a 100 pound girl downed 11 pounds of burger 'n fixin's at one sitting!

As a diabetic, I couldn't believe that anyone, dead or alive, could finish of that much ground dead cow and condiments under 3 hours, never mind an entire day.

But there she was, 19 year-old Princeton student Kate Stelnick, downing the fast food behemoth over at Denny's Beer Barrel Pub in State College, PA without getting into a coma.

This girl must be the Anti-Christ.

If we don't do this, the Terrorists will win!

Courtesy of the Rott: the Yanks are still mulling over the possibility of a new national ID card as part of the Homeland Security package.

Can you imagine the implications?

Imagine this!

Dumb Twat: see PRINCE HARRY

Word's out that jolly old Prince Harry partied hearty this past Saturday that caused a bit of a Führer in the U.K.

A photo of a costumed Harry was published in Thursday's edition of the Sun, a tabloid newspaper.

The front-page photo shows Harry, the second son of Prince Charles, holding a cigarette and a drink and wearing a red and black swastika armband and an army shirt with Nazi regalia

Oh... shame... shame... shame...

The silly little bugger eventually apologised for the faux pas in a statement. But you have to admit that the royal brat is no different from any other brats running around in the White, Anglo-Saxon world, aside from the fact that his last name happen to be "Windsor".

Now imagine the Bush twins attending a party in dominatrix drag...

So... there you go!

Spidey senses tingling... down-below

So... you've seen her in "Interview with a Vampire", "The Virgin Suicides" and "Spiderman".

Now you get to see more of Kirsten Dunst than necessary as she gets hit by a freak wave and... well, you'll just have to click on the link in the title to find out.

And yes, this is a slow rant day - and I have a meeting with my accountant in a couple of hours. Damn.

Deze Germanz are NUTZ!

Courtesy of big-boys.com: some bored Deutschlanders decided to have some fun with a stun gun. Massive hilarity ensues when dude nearly gets his balls electrified in the end.

OUCH!

Out of the Heat and into the Cold

Right about now...

1. I'm back in Canada as of 17:00 ET. Yes... I am tired, broke and freezing, but Goddamnit Florida was great.
   
2. I've wasted 4 hours of my life last night watching the hyped-up Orange Bowl between USC and OU. I was expecting a shootout between the first- and second- place teams in college football. What I got was a piss-poor performance of the Sooners' defence in face of a confident (some say complacent) Trojans offence.
   And how bad was it? Aside from the 55-19 Trojan win, the ABC broadcast was rated the second worst BCS presentation. No comebacks. No tension. No spirit. When you come to think of what happened in Miami, it wasn't that the Trojans played a good game: it was that the Sooners choked and sucked minutes into the first quarter.
   My suggestions: a) the Sooners must get a better band; b) the Trojans better start thinking about next season now; and c)Oklahoma coach Bob Stoops will have to get into the Witness Protection Program pretty soon, considering that there will be people who would definitely want his head on a silver platter.
   

   "I think they're great, and they sure proved it," Oklahoma coach Bob Stoops said. "We just got whupped."
   

   
   He might have well added "Do you want fries with that?" with that comment, AFAIK.
   
3. File under AWOL - where the fuck are all the charitable, merciful Muslim countries in wake of the Big Tsunami?

And that's it for now.

Happy 2005! And now this...

1. New Year's Eve 2004-05 at Mizner Park, Boca Raton: forget Times Square, forget drunk-as-fuck blowouts at Lee's Palace or the Palace or at Legends Niteclub - I've managed to spend a total of U.S.$120 to see and experiece some fine blues and booze over at Boca Raton's fave hangout for the Rich©. Even though I manage to get a reserve seat wayyy at the back of the Park's ampitheatre, I scammed my way to the front with the help of a member of the South Florida Blues Society, just in time to see the legendary B.B. King bring it all home. That was the best money ever spent, although the drinks could be a bit cheaper!


2. South Asian Tsunami Holocaust: every day, the toll rises after waves virtually wiped out coastlines and islands. No words could describe the horrors inflicted when Mother Nature went on a PMS rampage. I'll be posting tons of links related to missing relatives as soon as I head back to T-dot.


3. And now I'm off to Hollywood Beach to check out the Orange Bowl Beach Party. Should be a hoot and a half if I could get in!

And so... there you go.