Sunday vent - 30 Jan 2005

Aaahhrite! Here are some random rantings from the Chairman of the Bored...

1. Ghastly Ashley Simpson: serves her right for singing with my cock in her mouth (Goddamn - watch the teeth, bitch!) Her comeuppance at this year's Orange Bowl (a waste of my time on its own, BTW) was cruel and heartless, but understandable. Anyone who had to put up with a shitstorm of controversy would've lain low for a little while before regrouping and facing the masses.
   
   If Ashley were the professional that she claimed to be, she would've recovered from that technical fuckup on SNL and continued on with her latest "hit". But nooooooooooo! She did a jig and then fucked off. THAT'S PROFESSIONAL? ACID REFLUX? DRUMMER'S FAULT? FUCK THAT! FUCK ASHLEY! (OTOH - she might like it too much. Fuck that.)
   
   NEXT...
   
   
2. White Stripes? Is it just me, or are they really that talentless in spite of all that critical praise? What's this about an ex-husband/ex-wife group playing 3^rd-rate garage demoes and passing them off as songs? Death from Above 1979, the Inbreds, Local H and Timbuk 3 have/had similar lineups, yet they've managed to put on great shows and put out great, well-crafted and produced tunes. I'll bet that Jack White can put a lot more effort into his product, can't you, Jack?
   
   Take my advice - if you can't do enough justice to the songs that you've recorded, hire a band.
   
   
3. The Iraq elections: well, it's about fucking time, isn't it. And not a moment too soon. All the doomsayers on the Wrong side were predicting blodbath and voter intimidation, yet aside from various incidents as a result of a few bomb-crazy fuckateers, things seem to be on track in that nation's first stab at democracy.
   
   But as much as we wish the Iraqis the best of luck, we must also wish the best of luck to the Kurds, who were brutally oppressed in the bad old days of the Ba'athist regime.
   

   The Kurds, long cherishing hopes of sovereignty, were filling out three different ballots: one for the 275-member National Assembly, another for provincial councils, and a third for a local parliament for their autonomous region in the northern provinces of Sulaymaniyah, Irbil and Dohuk.
   
   The elections will give Kurds a chance to gain more influence in Iraq after long years of marginalization under the Baath party that ruled the country for 34 years.

   
   So, before we break out the party hats and say "Hallelujah", let's just pray that everything will turn out fine for all side in the end.
   
   That is, except for the al-Zarqueer buttfuckers running around.
   


4. Little Pauly Poopypants: awww... look at Little Pauly Poopypants playing Prime Minister of Canada. He loves to be the Prime Minister because whatever he can say will get done. Pauly loves to travel as the Prime Minister because he has a big plane paid for by the Grateful Taxpayers of this nation. While the rest of the country froze their asses off during Christmas, Little Pauly and his Poopypants family went to sunny Italy for a working holiday. Pauly loves working holidays because he gets to meet all these great leaders and go to all these great parties that the leaders would throw for him.
   
   Sadly, poor Little Pauly Poopypants forgot that as the leader of a First World industrial and democratic nation, he has responsabilities, and he has to make a lot of decisions. Nothing would deter him because Little Pauly Poopypants loves to be the Prime Minister of Canada. In fact, he wanted to call an election because he wants to make marriages legal for homosexual people. He wants to make the country safe for men to marry other men and women to marry other women. But most Canadians prefer a civil union as opposed to marriage for the homosexual people because for them, marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman so they could fuck and have children. They suspect that if the fags and dykes get married, all the benefits destined for a traditional nuclear family would go to a union that, by virtue of biology and anatomy, would not produce poopypants offspring.
   
   Now don't get me wrong... if the queers want to marry, let them. The more monogamous homos we have, the better, IMHO. But you see, Little Pauly Poopypants voted in favour of the traditional defition of marriage many, many years ago, and now he has changed his mind. Oh, how we love the way Little Pauly remains consistent with his decisions, and that has worried his classmates Stevie Harpie, Jumping Jack and GiGi DooDoo (who dreams of being King of Kebek one day) to no end. Hopefully, for the sake of his job, Little Pauly should to the right thing AND START MAKING UP HIS FUCKING MIND, ALREADY!
   
   I never liked that Paul Martin anyway. Too green for my needs.
   


5. Meanwhile...
   
   
   
   • WOULD YOU WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO BE CAUGHT WEARING THAT?
     Well... not unless someone has lowered the age of consent to 12!
     
   
   
   • FILE UNDER "JESUS FUCK, DUDE!"
     Buddy in San Antonio, TX was working at a construction site when a backhoe tipped over, its hook going through his left temple and out of his right eye.
     And he lived to tell the story. Sheesh.
     Someone better bring this feller a piece of wood to knock on. Sucks to be him, but...
     
   
   
   • JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF TITAN!
     After seeing the first few images of Huygens's descent into Titan, I've been mystified about the possibility of alien life on other worlds.
     So in my browser, I've bookmarked the Cassini-Huygens site so when Cassini passes by Titan the next time around, I'll soon find out.
     Can you say "Holy shit"? This is turning out to be a very interesting mission.
     


6. AND FINALLY: since my site is still under renovation, I'll leave you people with a Google search on "Britney Spears porn".
   
   One way or another, it will happen.
   

Enjoy your Sunday.