Monday, January 23, 2006

Erection 2006:
The Semi-Live Results Blog.

(All times AST.)

You've all cast your ballots now, haven't you?

Of course you did.

Throughout the night, I'll be watching the tv awaiting the results.

Well... at least once every hour.

This should be fun, provided that we don't get stuck with another freaking minority government.

I hate minority governments - all posturing but no resolve.

A small caveat: this may not be as accurate as you might expect. I'm watching CTV/ATV for the results, and so far they've been doing projections on various candidates. So if some of the numbers that I will be spewing out seem out of whack, it's not necessarily my fault. Honest.

20:35 They're starting to count the ballots in the Maritimes. And right about now, the Tories are leading the Grits 5-4. No Laytonites, yet.

22:22 Some of you surfers might recall a Chinese Cultural Revolution epic called "The East Is Red" (which, incidentally, is also the name for a martial arts movie, but I may be wrong).

Well, in this election, this rings true. Virtually most of the Maritimes have gone Grit, as they have almost always done since the days of Laurier and Mackenzie King. Considering that Maritimers are mainly rural and supportive of charismatic local personalities, this may explain ex-Tory Scott Brison's re-election in the Kings-Hants riding.

At this time: Lib 19 - Con 11 - NDP 3

23:10 So far... so good... so what? Global Television is projecting a Tory majority while CTV is predicting a Tory minority which, in spite of the nice-sounding flow, might suck to those who want real change.

Somehow, lifelong Grits would still vote Liberal - a case of "my Party - right, wrong or whatever" - which means that in the next election campaign, the Tories will have to resort to hiring members of the old KGB disinformation section to convert the stalwarts. For now, many fingers will have to be crossed for wins in Ontario and the West.

Right about now: Con 98 - Lib 86 - BQ 49 - NDP 22 - Ind 1

23:40 Plus ça change? In the last election, the Bloc Québecois owned la belle province in wake of AdScam relevations. Now they're doing roughly the same thing, except that the real opposition might be in form of the Tories, who have made a bit of a comeback since '94 when they got pwned in the worse possible way. Currently, there has been talk about the future of Paulyanna's Party leadership. But in spite of rumours leading to possible resignation, PM seems to be hanging on.

And - horrors of freaking horrors! - BS has gotten her pwetty little self re-elected in Newmarket-Aurora with a 1200+ vote lead. Note to voters there: SHE'S NOT PARIS HILTON! Sheesh! It seems that after the big flip-flop, the people are still hooked on Pork. Where's the BBQ sauce?

And to make matters even more stupid, controversial Grit candidate Michael Ignatieff, who has spent most of his life out of the country than in, has won (so-far) his riding of Etobicoke-Lakeshore over Tory contender John Capobianco by 1200 votes. Note to future Tory contenders: the better the resume, the better your chances. Iggy has been touted to be the next Grit leader, and a win like this could set him up for that possibility. To be continued...

Right about now: Con 122 - Lib 102 - BQ 50 - NDP 30 - Ind 1.
And still not a shot of Green in sight. sigh...

23:56 Big-ups to the dreaded Ed Morrisey (who is very un-related to another Morrisey, but, like his namesake, he can probably mope with the best), who's liveblogging this sucker as I write this.

And am I seeing things, or is CTV's venerable Lloyd Robertson being a bit chipper for the occasion? The net's coverage is a little more exciting than Global and the CBC, with an intersting rogue's gallery of a pundit panel that includes ex-Grit minister and ex-Newfoundland premier Brian Tobin tossing analyses and synopses of electoral performance. I nearly went into a coma with Global's response, while the CBC is just - well, like the CBC of old (read: they don't like Tories).

And as much as I don't like the NDP (they gave the Liberals all of their good ideas, eh?), I'm pulling for Olivia Chow over the dreaded Grit incumbent Tony Ianno. It would be nice to see Chow united with her hubby, Jack-O. So what if there's a "Lady MacBeth" bent in thsi story - I'm a sucker for romanticism.

Right about now: Con 123 - Lib 103 - BQ 50 - NDP 31 - Ind 1
F---! Another minority! I hate that.

Tuesday morning, 00:30 BS bigs-up the Pork-loving voters in Newmarket-Aurora for sending her back to Parliament Hill, saying that she loves them all. The topper is her big-up on her father for being an inspirattion for all those years. There's no doubt where her bread has been buttered when she declares that Paul Martin is a leader with a global vision. Maybe if she offered him a better set of reading glasses and a few extra trips to the optometrist, maybe Paulyanna can have a better view, but that's has been flogged to many times.

And I swear to Lucifer, she looks like a frumped-up Martha Stewart. Sorry about the Paris Hilton analogy.

And, as a major WTF, Grit incumbent Susan Kadis has held on her Thornhill seat over Tory Anthony Reale. She's a nice lady, but her party sucks. On the upside, Green candidate Lloyd Helferty will now have time to buy a better sports jacket. And tie. As for Progressive Canadian contender Mark Abramowitz, he should be able to come up with a decent suit and tie just in time for the 2010 campaign. Chances are that I'll be casting my Thornhill ballot at that time.

BTW - Olivia has won her seat. Hubby will be very happy. His moustache will (insert crude, deviant sexual situation here)!

Right about now: Con 122 - Lib 105 - BQ 50 - NDP 30 - Ind 1
I am starting to hate the future already.

01:11 Paulyanna addresses the masses, stating that he called Steve-O to concede defeat and congratulating him on a good, hard-fought campaign. Even though he's had his arse served back to him in Québec, Paulyanna still remains cheerful and optimistic since the Grits have 102 seats. Will they support the government? Will they overthrow them? Who knows? But one thing for certain: he tells the throng that they will not force yet another election and will step down from the leadership. He finishes by thanking the supporters for their hard work and his family of their love. It's an end of a very short era. Poor Paulyanna. At least, he has done "The Right Thing" with class and much respect for friends and rivals alike. He leaves a much diminished and divided party, and sooner or later, the contenders and pretenders to the Red Throne will sharpen their claws and their wits. Will Iggy jump in? Is BS up to the task? This should be very interesting.

Right about now: Con 125 - Lib 102 - BQ 51 - NDP 29 - Ind 1
Welcome to the Big Suck.

02:00 Well... it appears to be a given.

Right about now: Con 124 - Lib 103 - BQ 51 - NDP 29 - Ind 1

I'm off to bed. At least the Grits are out of office, but we're not out of the woods. Not even halfway.

Who's the Independant dude in the picture? It turns out to be Québec's premier nutbar radio personality André Arthur, who would make Howard Stern look like Pat Robertson on a bad hair day.

But in terms of good guys vs. bad guys, you'd get something like this...

Tories 124 - The Bad Guys 184

Uh oh. Break out those barf bags. This ride is going to be very rough. I'm off to bed. Goodnight.

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