Happy Valentine's Day, all you romantic spastics, whether you may be attached or not.
Some of you may have outgrown the silliness involved in sending paper "heart" cutouts, chemically altered "red roses" that seem to last well beyond their normal life expectancy and overpriced "Belgian" chocolates (usually made in some state-of-the-art plant in Dartmouth, NS for all I care). But there are those of you who still go googly-eyed at such cutesie wootsie thingies like teddy bears from Vermont... oh, yeah! You know what I mean, Bros: women LOVE teddy bears, and if you haven't bought your honeys one AT LEAST ONCE, then you might as well get yourselves re-acquainted with the Palm sisters for the next couple of weeks or so.
I've been going through a very serious drought since the 90's, so that kind of dilemma hasn't affected me that much. Plus I have the added bonus of being saddled with the most obnoxious flu that I could only wish on my worst of enemies (I get pretty fucking vindictive and vituperative when sick, so if you value your precious life...) This despite having received a flu shot in December, for Fuck sakes (I bet those bastards at Sick Bay injected me with a placebo, or something...) Having invested over CDN$50 on drugs, vitamins and Buckley's Mixture doen't put me in the mood for anything requiring great mental or physical exertion, so the most I can do for Valentine's Day is write this article, just because I still can.
So... fuck you, flu. Thanks for ruining my Valentine's.