Sunday, April 03, 2005

A Juno Live Blog (sort of)

Tonight is the night for Canada's best in music, and it's all taking place in Winterpeg, Manitoba, Canada.

Of course, those wily capitalists over at CTV decided that rather than lose some of their audience to those "Desperate Housewives" elsewhere, they managed to merge it with the Red Carpet show. I'm no fan of "DH" - hell, I don't even watch enough t.v. to find any favourites - but after enduring almost 30 minutes of bitchy, premenopausal harpy Stepford Housewives, I prefer to watch it even less (except for "Trailer Park Boys", of course).

Already I'm resisting the urge to strangle the living fuck out of Gabrielle for being such a spoiled little bitch. Her husband's mother passed away at the hospital, but just before leaving the proverbial mortal coil, she let the night nurse know that Gabrielle's been fooling around. Somehow, I already figured that bitch Gabrielle was up to something when she wanted her husband to skimp on his mom's final trip...

But I digress.

But anyways... Hollywood and hype has come up North tonight. Brent Butt (who?) from "Corner Gas" - another show that I don't quite follow - will be hosting. I - who you should know by now - will be watching and clearing out a whole bunch of crap from my night table, chairs, hutch and desk because accomodations wanted to replace the furniture in my room.

That also means cleaning it up.

So... here goes anything.

20:50 (ADT) - Randy Bachman is looking good tonight. Back in the day, he was the BIG man on the block with Bachman Turner Overdrive and the Guess Who (featuring Burton Cummings). Gave props to Neil Young, who was unable to attend due to an emergency brain aneurysm operation. Why are people choosing to drop like flies this week? I'd like to know.

21:30 (ADT) - IT'S SHOWTIME! The Grammys - er, Junos, start off with Simple Plan - imagine Busted with more talent and push from Bob Rock's slick production on their last album. The crowd goes wild when host Brent Butt comes onstage in Kiss drag. A flashpot throws Brent off his rhythm, the floor direct comes in and Brent ranted about his entrance. Obviously, tight leather clothing ain't his bag and Brent complains that Rufus Wainright was hotting on him. More rant. Fade to commercial.

21:42 (ADT) - Fefe Dobson and Ian Thornley come out to present The Group of the Year. I suspect that the Tragically Hip might get the nod - I mean they're the fucking Hip, rh? Instead, Billy Talent get the paperweight. Screamo goes maintream.

Brent shows up in a tux and feels a lot better. Presents Feist, who was in By Divine Right last time I saw her. What a difference a couple of years and a few thousand miles make. Experiences some tech difficulties, but at least doesn't pull a Ghastly Ashley on everyone. Think of Feist as a melding of Cheryl Crow and Björk. End set gracefully.

Oh, and between performances and presentations, last night's winners were announced. Bob Rock was one of them for Simple Plan's and Metallica's last offerings.

Cue commercial...

21:55 (ADT) - Keith Urban gets welcomed by Winnipegers. The Aussie gets to talk to Sam Roberts, who is currently recording an album in Sydney, Australia (and seems to look a bit fried-out). Sam introduces K-os (not the Daily one, you knobs!), who goes for the throwdown in Pegtown with "B-boy Stance". Go easy on the Funky Drummer breaks, eh?

22:04 (from this point on, all time will be in ADT, okay...) - Brent introduces western sob-pop diva Jann Arden, who introduces Standard Radio mogul Allan Slaight as the recipient of the Walt Grealis award.

Burton Cummings, Sarah Slean (the lean mean pop machine, BOH!) and that leader from Jacksoul come up to the stage to present the SOCAN award for best songwriting. Will Avril Lavigne get it, Buck 65, Ron Sexsmith? Ron, the tall mon, gets the nod.

22:17 - Gordie Sampson and a government minister present New Artist of the Year. Keshia Chanté? FeFe? Feist? Matt Dusk? Award gets foisted on Feist.

22:22 - Brent pay homage to Winnipeg and its sights, such as Salisbury House, Salisbury House, Salisbury House, and a gym. The introduces kd lang and her rendition of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah". Never has a Cohen tune been given a gothic honky-tonk treatment, but then again Leonard's tunes aren't your average pop songs, anyway. And kd lang isn't your average pop singer. I had a crush on her when she was channeling Patsy Cline many years ago. Now I know why. Even after coming out as a lesbian, I still have a crush on kd.

After receiving a standing ovation, kd gave props to the absent Neil Young with a rendition of "Helpless". It was a last minute deal, but it was a decent performance. But it sure ain't the same without Neil. Cut to commercials...

22:41 - Kingston, ON pop diva Sarah Harmer, formerly of Kingston, ON pop rawkers Weeping Tile, pinch hits for the absent Dan Ackroyd to introduce the Tragically Hip into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame. So many kudos from the PM to Wayne Gretzky to Rush and the Barnaked Ladies, along with numerous fans, pile on the band, who then gave the Peggers a memorable performance of "Fully, Completely" and "Faith, Too", in which Gord Downie suggested moving the UN HQ to Halifax (with all due respect, Gordo, NON, MERCI!). Imagine a hoser REM with a scary case of freestyle Tourettes - God love the Hip!

22:56 - After Gord spent a good portion of the dying moments of "Faith, Too" freestyling and berating the mic and the mic stand for being disrespectful, the show cuts to a commercial...

23:00 - Keshia Chanté and Allan Doyle from Great Big Sea present this year's Rap recording. K-os and his "Joyful Rebellion" gets the paperweight with a simple "thank you". What? No props to the Pegger Massive? Wot bumbaclat deal is dis, eh?

23:06 - Billy Talent take to the stage with "The River Below". No lip-synch. Just balls-out noise. Guitarist seems to have returned Wayne Static's hairdo to it's rightful owner.

23:14 - "Album of the Year": Diana Krall, Céline Dion, Avril Lavigne, Billy Talent, Simple Plan... Upper Canada Emo schmoes Billy Talent take it away.

23:22 - Sons of Antigonish, The Trews, along with some dude who won a contest, gave the Juno Fan Choice Award to Avril Lavigne for, well, keeping us entertained.

23:34 - 2004 Canadian Idle Idol, Kalan Porter take to the stage with a blistering fiddlde solo. This ain't just a pretty face - this boy's got skills. He'll definitely have a future.

23:33 - Adult Alternative: Sarah Harmer, Matt Mays, Ron Sexsmith, Rufus Wainright and my fave, Sarah Slean.

Well, one of the 2 Sarahs won, but it wasn't the Slean Machine that got it. Boo hoo.

Rainbow butt monkeys Finger Eleven shill the 2005 Juno CD, proceeds of which goes to the MusiCan musical education initiative. Sum 41 performed.

23:45 - Holy Trinity, Batman! Ron Sexmith, Jim Cuddy and Matt Mays present the Single of the Year. I'm pulling for K-os's "Crabbucket". And lo and behold - the Trinity delivered to the K-os in da hizzle. Once again, he didn't say much. Up next... "a special Winnipeg tribute". Just can't wait...

23:52 - Brent says goodnight to everyone. Then Randy Bachman, Burton Cummings and other denizens of the Pegger scene let 'er rip with "Takin' Care of Business", without a doubt one of the best Beaver Rawk tunes of the 20th century, followed by "Shake Your Hand" (? - I forgot the actual name of the tune - gotta get a Guess Who box-set one of these days). And damnit, Cummings did a damn good job... HOGGING THE FUCKING MIC! He should've at least shared it with everyone else just like Bachman. Oh well, that's it for the 2005 Juno Awards, live from Winnipeg, MB.

And now... I'm off to clean my fucking room. 'nite for now!

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