Well, no shit, Sherlock - the first sequel

According to the Canada Free Press, "President Kerry would be bad for Canada".

Read this article. Surprisingly...

In a poll that was released on September 8, it was found that 61 percent of Canadians favoured Kerry while 16 percent of Canadians would prefer to see George W. Bush re-elected.

Obviously, the majority of the 61% don't tune in to US politics that often. Of course, most of those who voted Liberal in the last Federal Election probably couldn't care less about the politics here, either.

The Ipsos-Reid poll was detailed and asked several questions concerning Canada/U.S. relations. Sixty-two percent of those who responded to the poll felt that Kerry would build better relationships with world leaders while 56 percent felt that Kerry would do a better job at "being a friend to Canada". Fifty-four percent of respondents felt that the Democratic Party challenger would be better at "dealing with Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin and his Government"... The current Liberal government has a hatred for all things conservative, whether it is the Republican administration in Washington or the Conservative Party of Canada. Since both the Canadian government and Kerry are internationalist in their outlook, they are bound to get along better than the Chrètien/Martin government ever did with the Bush administration.

Of course, we Canadian are spoonfed so much by our Liberal system, we probably forgot what the word "conservative" meant, let alone pronounce it.

Maybe it all stemmed from the 60s, when we witnessed all those human rights marches and Vietnam War protests and thought to ourselves (huffs big BC-Hydro blunt, Mon!), "Huh huh... KEWL!" Not to mention the fact that some of the people were descended from United Empire Loyalists and thus have a bone to pick with Washington, no matter who would be in power at any given time.

But - and I hate to break it to all those who wanted to see Kerry win - this year's Demonic-rats have a more serious protectionist bent than the rival Republic-cons. By electing the closet fellator - er, John Kerry, our economic partnership with the US may be put in jeopardy.

Oh sure, he wants to make sure that Toronto dumps its waste somewhere else other than Michigan, which is just fine, since it happens to be our garbage. But ON preem Dalton McGuinty (who seemed to be the proto-Kerry in this neck of wood) would rather not dump it in our own back yard (blame it on Walkerton, eh?). And Anarcho-Socialist T-dot Mayor David Miller concurs.

But there's more to the story than what meets the eyes. all you have to do and read, weep and understand.

I don't care much for George W. any more than I could toss him, but I'm more comfortable with the Devil I know and trust.

As much as we don't like Yanks sticking their dirty noses into our business - remember Michael Moore? - we shouldn't be caught meddling into Yankee affairs.

Let their people decide. Not us!

RBC - Rainbow Bankers Collective?

The Canada Free Press was revealed to me via a topic in the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler site. Obviously conservative (just like the Toronto Sun, just a little more fundamental), the Free Press offers news like this one.

I mean... isn't showing respect to people who are either gay, lesbian or transgendered a given in today's society? Are these people no less different than those who are hetero?

By implementing something like a "Safe Space" concept, doesn't that make these people a little more "special" than others?

When I sign off with "Respect Everywhere" in my e-mails, I'm indicating that everyone deserves respect, that no person is no more special than the next.

To all you homoes: YOU'RE NOT THAT "SPECIAL"! LEAVE THE CLOSET AT HOME AND JOIN THE REST OF THE HUMAN RACE!

Sheesh... if you guys want special rights, maybe we single 40-something hetero men should get some as well.

There's nothing else to say but...

NEXT!

PPCLI's in a Pickle? I Hope Not!

CFNIS nabbed 3 soldiers in Edmonton for drug trafficking. I suspect that they might be PPCLIs (lovingly pronounced "picklies" - singular "pickly"), thus the arrest will give a bit of a black eye to the regiment.

Hopefully it wouldn't be the case, for their sake, but the Forces itself is a microcosm of Canadian society - you have your good eggs and bad apples, just like anywhere else.

After spending 5 years working full time in the Navy, I wouldn't be too surprised this has happened at all. Good work guys. Hopefully the JAG will do the right thing and at least discipline these defaulters accordingly.

Politics Make People Act Stupid - Part Deux

To all those respondants in an IRQA TV spot:

STFU and SMBFMFD!

You don't know Jacques!

You never ventured out of your self-imposed caves to see what the world is really like: a world where humans, not sheep, thrive and prosper without the interference of despotic mullahs.

If you are so sure of your faith, why not venture out, forget about the differences and deal with the outsiders.

Read something else other than just the Koran: you have been made morally, spiritually and intellectually illiterate by the imams, weighing you down with chains of ignorance under the spell of an elusive paradise. Open your eyes and your minds and maybe the light revealed to you will change your opinion.

Of course, it's gonna cost you some serious coin, but don't you think it should be worth all the trouble?

For the full v-idiocy, click on this and find out!

Otherwise... NEXT!

Plus Ça Change... Encore Une Fois!

For those in the know - and you know who you are - and for those starting to know... this blog is an extension of Mr. Jacques, the website that is almost like a blog, but more fun.

Of course, if you really know me, you probably notice that it gets updated sporadically. On some days, you get new stuff. On others, next to nada.

And right about now, it's time for yet another big fucking facelift.

The frames will have to be re-arranged, certain features will have to be sacrificed either for lack of interest, expediency or more precisely, lack of any resonable time to contribute anything to them.

Ond once again, you'll get a big honking title saying that it's once again "Under Renovation".

But, being the man that I am, the site will be improved, hopefully with better relevancy than the previous edition.

In the meantime, the blog will be the window into my thought processes, currently more random and scattered than ever. And as long as there will be 24-hour Tim Horton's, there will be me thrashing more shite out for the massive.

Big shout out to the crazy right-wingers at the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler, the ones left behind at torontojungle.com and my brithers and sisters at MSN's Canadian Naval Reserves (especially you, Duncan).

Enjoy yourselves, my fellow Cybersloths - united shall us Over-underachievers be!

File under: "OH, NO... NOT ANOTHER ONE!"

Yes, munchkins. In Holly-weird, there can never be too many sequels.

The "Powers that Be"® decided that there shall be a "Terminator 4" in the works.

Of course, Austrian big-guy Überstar, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, might or might not make a special guest appearance in this one. But who knows?

Somehow, I thought that we would be content with T-1 and T-2. T-3 was pushing it a bit. But aside from big-bang moneyshots and scenes of a technocratic dystopia, what will a T-4 offer us?

One thing we can be grateful for is that the Evil Machines aren't too fucking smart: they could have sent many units to various points of known history to eradicate John Connor and his entire bloodline, past, present and future.

Which is why I suspect that there will (might?) be a T-4: someone in cyberspace might get some ideas by reading my rants.

"If you're into evil..."

I am 67% evil.


I'm getting there. I haven't done all the damage I could do but I've done quite a bit. I'm just over the border into the Evil Zone.
Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com


... you're a friend of mine." - AC/DC

Is there anything else wrong with Michael Moore?

Yes.

Great filmaker. Bad activist.

STFU - ESAD: I can't relate to you, Mikey.

You're the same person that said that you could leave your door unlocked while at home it Toronto!

Maybe in an apartment, yes. But a house?

Back to school for you, big guy!

NEXT...

Once more with a feeling: NAZI PUNKS FUCK OFF!

On the holiest of holy days in the Jewish calendar, a whole bunch of inbred fucktards decided to hold a rally at Valley Forge.

The Minnesota-based National Socialist Movement, which sponsored the rally, maintains Washington held racist and anti-Jewish views - a position disputed by most historians.

Many early Americans held beliefs similar to British Israelists, claiming that the Anglo-Saxons were a lost tribe of Israel. Hence the perceived "antisemitism" of Washington and Franklin would be considered a complete repudiation of their Hebraic roots.

The event was held on the Jewish holiday Yom Kippur. Rally organizers said they were unaware of the holiday when they planned the event.

Really? So this proves that not only the neo-Nazis are brutal, heartless, thuggish and arrogant, but but they're also either manipulative, mendacious or stupider than a bag of rocks.

Or maybe all of the above.

Still, Jeff Schoep, commander of the NSM, launched the rally with an attack on Jews, who he said plan "the destruction of all races through the evils of race-mixing."

Translation: we're unable to get laid so we decided to be Nazis and have rallies on High Holy Days on historic battlefields.

Yes, boys and girls... it's all about the nookie!

Someone get these clownshits some education fast before they hurt themselves...

Er... on the other hand... let them hurt themselves: the racist movement in the USA these days is so prone to self-immolation that there's hardly any need for an intervention by the ARA, JDL or the ADL.

So, breathe easy. There are bigger fish to catch and fry.

And BTW: NAZIS RAUS!

Kill the Following Sick Fucks! (Numero Un in a Series)

I'm normally a decent, laid-back, hardworking kind of guy with a bit of an offbeat sense of humour.

But once in a while, some events make me want to go Mr. Blonde on certain targets.

Exhibit A: the psycho piece of canine excrement who booby-trapped Woodbine Beach with razor-blade-spiked wood blocks, thus cancelling a beach-volleyball tournament - what the fuck is wrong with this so-called person? Obviously, Darwinism hasn't corrected the fuck's gene pool.

Exhibit B: another foreign contractor gets the "chop" in Iraq - so these "tough guys" are getting their tiny nuts kicked by coalition forces and what do they do? They go and capture civilian contractors, ask for some conditions and if they don't get their stinking way, slice off their heads. Don't these goat-fellators know that if they want to get to "Paradise", they have to engage the enemy head on? Allah is gonna have to explain all this crap to all these Yanks coming in through His pearly gates...

Allah: Ahhh, my Sons. What brings you to My paradise?
First American: Well, Boss, some assholes jumped us while we were on our way to work.
Second American: We were treated like shit and the last thing we heard was "Allahu al-Akbar".
First American: We were taught to not lose our heads in stressful situations. So much for that lesson.
Second American: Right out the window, Boss.
Allah: Ohhh, another martyrdom. Many thousand pardons to you My Sons. These people who invoke My Name in such stupidity shall not go unpunished. I shall pass My judgement on these murderers immediately.
First American: Whatcha gonna do, Boss.
Second American: Yeah... what are You gonna do?
Allah: Welcome you to My paradise.
First American: Wait a sec... aren't You gonna punish these fuckers... er, excuse the language, Lord.
Second American: Aren't You gonna turn them into pillars of salt or kill their firstborn or something like that.
Allah: But isn't living well the best revenge? Enjoy your Virgins.

OTOH... might as well let the relevant Deity write the last chapter.

NEXT...

A Lesson in Cutting Losses - Exhibit A

We've propped him up.

We gave him props.

We supported him through the good, the bad and the ugly.

We even tolerated his slumps.

And for all this trouble, this is the motherfuckin' thanks we get?

I've always suspected that the Toronto Raptors wouldn't deserve to have Vince Carter around because they've squandered a great chance in being a team around him by falling apart every time he gets injured.

Of course, I also suspected that Carter's a whiny, craven drama queen who coudn't do enough to rally the team that made him a star.

That's right, Vince - the team and the fans made you a star. You could've used the opportunity to force the team to unite, to succeed, to improve. Hell... you should've shown some leadership, resilience and integrity, thus justifying your $12M/season paycheck.

Instead, you wanted to get traded. Ohhhhh, Mufffin.

Well, you have just a few weeks before training camp to either redeem yourself in the eyes of your fans and your fellow players, or get the fuck out of Dodge.

I am personally sick and tired of the Raptors' lack of consistency, their wasted opportunities, their perennial underachieving.

To Rob Babcock, a simple request: I you know what's good for you, the team and the fans, do the right thing.

Of course, any remaining sympathy with Vince's plight is slowly going right out the fucking window...

His agent, Mark Steinberg, said yesterday it is "highly unlikely" the Carter camp would agree to a trade to a Western Conference team, and that the New York Knicks remain Carter's destination of choice. What nerve!

Lotsa luck Vince. Don't let the door bitch-slap you when you leave.

One Step Closer to Armageddon... (or Something to that Effect...)

Over this past weekend, Fin-de-notre-Siècle Lolita Diva Britney Spears got hitched at a private ceremony to ex-dancer and perennial deadbeat dad Kevin Federline in a private ceremony just outside - where else? - Los Angeles.

And now the Whole World - or at least people who have no real lives to call their own - will have to watch with bated breath how the marriage will unfold... or unravel.

As you sad little people probably remember...

In January, Spears married childhood friend Jason Alexander in a surprise wedding in Las Vegas. That marriage was annulled 55 hours later.

Well... at least I have a life. Enjoy.

NEXT...

What in the name of Fuck is this World coming to? (Part Uno) (sarcasm intended, eh)

According to My Favorite Paper in the Whole Wide World©... er, I mean, the Toronto Sun...

TEENAGERS living with their parents in the affluent suburbs of Toronto aren't immune to becoming homeless, a new study suggests.

Really? Read on...

The study -- conducted in Richmond Hill involving a group of 16-to-20-year-old teenagers, most of whom came from economically-advantaged families -- found they were substantially more at risk for homelessness than their mainstream Ontario secondary school peers.

Well... let me guess:

• 'rents couldn't effectively discipline their kids;


• 'rents neglected their kids;


• 'rents abused their kids;


• kids these days are doing more couch surfing than in previous generations in R. Hill;


• kids are becoming more rebellious and disrespectful of their elders;


• 3 words - more cheap drugs; or more likely...


• RICHMOND HILL IS BORING AS ASS!

(No offence to the Richmond Hillbillies, but speaking as a Thornhill guy....)

Why am I not too surprised? Is it because I don't really buy into the fact that most problem kids come from broken, working-/welfare-class homes? That if you love your kids enough, everything would be alright? That if you given them enough distractions, they'll stay out of trouble?

Unfortunately, someone else would have to come up with a real good answer, because I'm definitely not Dr. Phil.

Politics Make People Act Stupid - Part Un

One of the hottest topics going on at the Anti Idiotarian Rottweiler at this very moment revolves around an incident which ocurred a couple of days ago during what is turning out to be the most polarized electoral campaign in US history.

Buddy brings daughter to a demonstration. Daughter holds up opponent's sign. Partsan rips up sign. Daughter cries to Daddy.

(Picture of aftermath is here.)

2 things to note:

a) In such a polarized atmosphere, why did buddy bring his daughter to that rally? Sure it's a free country, and he does have a right to express it. But by the same token, would you go to a pro-Hamas or pro-Hizbollah rally waving the Israeli flag singing "Hatikvah" and "Havah Nagilah" with a kid in tow? I feel bad for the daughter, but daddy oughta be careful!

b) Don't these morons who ripped up the sign know any better? They sure give the Democrats a very bad name. With friends like these, all-round pole-smoker John Kerry wouldn't need any more enemies: he already has one in himself!

Maybe the problem lies in the fact that the US has just 2 main parties: Republican and Democrat. With a situation like that, there are bound to be extremists on both sides: Fascists, WP extremists and Fundamentalists with the Elephants; Communists, Anarchists, Eco-militants with the Donkeys.

Maybe by allowing more parties to step out of the fringe and into the mainstream, maybe we wouldn't get sick, pathetic incidents like the one that happened to the little girl.

But I digress.

NEXT...

The Onion sez: Female Athletes Making Great Strides In Attractiveness

What all pro sports writers would want to write, but can't.

In related news, Kleenex sales are still going through the roof...

Dan's quite the man, eh?

CBS News' main talking head is slowly getting into some hot water over some "official" documents accusing George Dubya Bush of shirking his duty in the Air National Guard (the Yanks' equivalent to the Air Reserve). This ain't the first time he's been in a sticky position, as you can witness right here.

Silly fucker.

NEXT...

Responding to Rottweilers

Over at the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler, many issues get bashed around by people who share the same Libertarian/Conservative/Fundamentalist views, with occasional visits from people of Liberal/Socialist/Anarchist bent.

In one post, the UN's Kofi Annan gets the Rottweiler treatment for his views on US policy, and the doggs in tha pound ain't liking it one bit, muthafucka!

So, in order to save the Rottweilers some bandwidth, I'm putting in my 2 cents right here.

So for Mary, Cheryl, et al, here goes...

LA Mary:

Jacques, I realize this may be a bit like buying a used car from your brother-in-law (usually a Bad Idea™), but is there any chance that Canada might like to have the U.N. headquarters?

My brother in law wanted to sell me this 1981 Dodge camper-van once. As much as I liked the cosyness, I realised that the maintenance costs would exceed any potential pleasure to be derived - much like a Blonde, eh?

Amongst other Canadian "achievements"©, "we" always pay the org in full: hence the metaphor I've just spewed out. In essence, the UN's a great idea, but you have to ensure that it runs properly and you have to keep these unruly children in line.

And personally, Annan is definitely not in a very enviable position. Being the head of such a monolith these days - if anyone were to be crazy enough to accept it - would probably drive a Puritan to drink and crystal meth in no time at all, and I bet that Koffdrop has a huge supply of Listerine to sustain him every time his foot winds up in his mouth.

I'd say New York should keep the UN and hopefully replace Moka Bannanarama with someone with more balls. Like, let's say, Colin Powell or maybe, Gen. Romeo Dallaire? (Payback's a bitch, eh?) Or better yet, get these dudes from Monster Garage to come in and overhaul it. I've seen a couple of their shows: they're pretty good.

We'd be only too happy to break it down, crate it up, and ship it anywhere you like. All diplomats included -- collect the set! Some assembly required, contents may settle during shipping and handling...

Does it come with batteries? Warranty? If we're not satified with it within 30 days, do we get our money back?

What do you think? Ottawa? Montreal? Or maybe Churchill? I'd love to see old Koffanon go up against a hungry polar bear, wouldn't you???

Ottawa? We've already got enough politicians there: why torture us more?

Montreal? You must be fucking kidding. Half of the members will get lost tryig to reach the damn place because all the signs must be in French in the province of Québec while the other half would spend their waking hours at the Club Super Sexe. Bad idea.

Churchill? You're quite familiar with the term "animal abuse"? Bullshit does not neccesarily appeal to polar bears, y'know?

Vancouver? There's an ideal place! Cosmopolitan, beuatiful scenery, nice "coffee houses". Imagine getting a Security Council meeting at one of these places.

"Y'know..." (drags doobie) "I'd think Sharon should chill about building a wall around those Pale Estonians, dude. What d'you think?"

"Well, she oughta invite them for some Nazi Balls soup, heh heh heh." (huffs blunt)

"Hey, bumba clot! Sharon, him a dude, mon! Now pass me dat hoochie, mon!"

"Sorry, Kofi."

OTOH... bad idea.

Regina? The place is too flat and too boring for such a cosmopolitan organization. One third of the members might get beaten up by the local rednecks ("What? You ain't got no job?"), another third by the local Aboriginals ("You look like you're the wrong Nation, Bro!") while the final third would drink themselves into a stupour because Regina is that boring.

Toronto? Sorry. We already have the world here. But it may not be a bad idea if we could control it. (I'm from there, BTW!)

So my suggestion is to ship it to Alert, Nunavut. We have a Canadian Forces station there, so security should be no problem. Plus, there's lots of sunshine in the summer, so all the tropical members should have no problems feeling right at home. Okay, so it's dark for 6 months. But then doesn't this organization thrive in the dark anyways? >:D

Cheryl:

C'mon... I thought Texans love their barbecue!

All kidding aside (I was kidding, right?), I agree that our Customs people can be assholes, sometimes. Just like your Customs people. I guess there is an asshole aptitude test for that. Maybe it's standard procedure: treat everyone with contempt.

At least, when I show my military ID, I'd get treated a little more humanely.

But for God's sake, don't move the UN to Halifax... I live here now!

(End rant.)

NEXT...

Cdn Press Sez: Lavigne, Whibley engagement denied

Translation: LEAVE THEM THE FUCK ALONE AND GET A LIFE, PEONS!

PS: Congrats, Lovebirds!

Eric Margolis: Should the Toronto Sun Keep Him or Lose Him?

I've always relied on the Toronto Sun for 2 things...

• news from my hometown; and
• it's politics

But there's one colummnist that sometimes gets my goat.

Eric Margolis.

Is it just me or is he turning into an apologist for every Islamist Extremist and tyrant?

A fine example of his slow descent into the dark side is his recent column regarding the war on terror. This has a tendancy to read like a diatribe against the "evils of Zionism"© and justification for the Islamists' attacks on the WTC, the Pentagon, and all the other targets they could get their filthy paws on (beaches, pizzerias, Passover Seders, etc..).

I have one request to make to the editors of the Toronto Sun:

FIRE HIM!

His views don't belong in such a paper. There are other papers whose political views match his own - the Toronto Star and the Globe and Mail are 2 exemples, and Eric Margolis should feel at home at either one of them.

It's a shame that someone who used to make some sense has ceased doing so.

His narrow view of the stuation makes Michael Moore look like a Republican.

He has failed to grasp the bigger picture of global terrorism. It's no longer about rich versus poor. It's now about race and faith. And things will get much worse before it gets apocalyptic.

I know it's about freedom of speech. Sadly, we are also at an age in which people, politics and thinking have become more polarized than ever before.

We no longer have an Evil Empire to worry about.

There's only one superpower that's left on this planet.

And everyone needs to justify their existence.

That's what's wrong with the world today. I guess.

NEXT...

I hate to wish ill on the dead, but...

GOOD MOTHERFUCKING RIDDANCE, RICHARD BUTLER!

Now Satan has a new bitch!

NEXT...

Bad... and sad: Beslan dead were forgotten

École Polytechnique. Columbine. Oklahoma City. WTC. Beslan.

They all share 2 things.

Death. Innocents.
News at the time it happend. Slogans after the last funeral.

Once, they were people. Faces. Living, thinking entites of flesh, blood, sinew, brain matter.

Now, they're statistics. Numbers. Details.

Once, we mourned for them. All future plans permanently put on hold or cancelled indefinitely.

Tears flowed. Teeth gnashed. Vendettas were sworn. Eulogies were read.

Now, we stare at those statistics. All nameless. All faceless.

Who were these children of the steppes and the mountains? What were their names? What did they dream to be when they grow up and out of school? What were they planning on doing on that day?

We may never know.

All we know is that they're gone, victims of fanaticism, miltancy, hatred and greed.

And all those "martyrs"... what use is a dead person for the cause except as an empty slogan for an empty belief system?

I used up all my tears too many time to mourn for the innocents, if only because they've all gone to a better life. One that transcends matter, energy, flesh and spirit.

And yet I grieve. Just because.

Silenced laughter. Stilled smiles. A sense of wonder replaced by primal fear of the unknown and the unfathomable.

I grieve. I mourn. Yet I cannot lay vengeance against an entity single-minded enough to destroy itself for an empty cause.

All the hate, all the venom cannot get these children back, but they can stop the madness and keep the savage automatons from taking more lives, more souls for a fairy-tale dream.

And yet, I wish to smite one blow against this enemy. Just this once.

Once and for all.

Just once.

This ain't no Hollywood flick...

A businessman. A wife. A mistress. A hitman.

A plot. A twist.

Lots of money. Keys to the cottage.

Ingredients for a genuine blockbuster. You bet.

Someone get the Coen Bothers online.

Or maybe Atom Egoyan: after all, it's Made in Canada, eh?

Is anything sacred anymore?

ST. JOHN'S, NFLD. - Prostitutes should belong to unions and enjoy the same benefits as any other workers, says a major Newfoundland labour leader.

Wayne Lucas, provincial president of the Canadian Union of Public Employees, urged the change to a St. John's radio program on the weekend.

"Work is work," Lucas told VOCM Niteline. "These are working people."

I guess that gives a brand new meaning to the term "working girls".

Don't you wish our PM talked this way

When reporters asked Vladimir Putin whether events have caused him to reconsider his stance on negotiating with Chechen separatists, the Russian president balked.

"Why don't you meet Osama bin Laden and invite him to Brussels or the White House and engage him in talks, ask him what he wants and give it to him so he lets you live in peace?" Putin said in Russian.

"You find it possible to set some limitations in your dealings with these bastards, so why should we talk to people who are child-killers?"

Now that's talking tough. Now, where are Paul's 'nads?

The Poon's Blog the RNC

MoveOnPlease.org Blogger: The National Lampoon has decided to sacrifice - er, send - out a reporter to keep an eye on the Republican National Convention. Will he make it out alive? Will he get some straight answers from George Dubya? Will he score? Whatever.