Friday, September 17, 2004

Responding to Rottweilers

Over at the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler, many issues get bashed around by people who share the same Libertarian/Conservative/Fundamentalist views, with occasional visits from people of Liberal/Socialist/Anarchist bent.

In one post, the UN's Kofi Annan gets the Rottweiler treatment for his views on US policy, and the doggs in tha pound ain't liking it one bit, muthafucka!

So, in order to save the Rottweilers some bandwidth, I'm putting in my 2 cents right here.

So for Mary, Cheryl, et al, here goes...

LA Mary:

Jacques, I realize this may be a bit like buying a used car from your brother-in-law (usually a Bad Idea™), but is there any chance that Canada might like to have the U.N. headquarters?

My brother in law wanted to sell me this 1981 Dodge camper-van once. As much as I liked the cosyness, I realised that the maintenance costs would exceed any potential pleasure to be derived - much like a Blonde, eh?

Amongst other Canadian "achievements"©, "we" always pay the org in full: hence the metaphor I've just spewed out. In essence, the UN's a great idea, but you have to ensure that it runs properly and you have to keep these unruly children in line.

And personally, Annan is definitely not in a very enviable position. Being the head of such a monolith these days - if anyone were to be crazy enough to accept it - would probably drive a Puritan to drink and crystal meth in no time at all, and I bet that Koffdrop has a huge supply of Listerine to sustain him every time his foot winds up in his mouth.

I'd say New York should keep the UN and hopefully replace Moka Bannanarama with someone with more balls. Like, let's say, Colin Powell or maybe, Gen. Romeo Dallaire? (Payback's a bitch, eh?) Or better yet, get these dudes from Monster Garage to come in and overhaul it. I've seen a couple of their shows: they're pretty good.

We'd be only too happy to break it down, crate it up, and ship it anywhere you like. All diplomats included -- collect the set! Some assembly required, contents may settle during shipping and handling...

Does it come with batteries? Warranty? If we're not satified with it within 30 days, do we get our money back?

What do you think? Ottawa? Montreal? Or maybe Churchill? I'd love to see old Koffanon go up against a hungry polar bear, wouldn't you???

Ottawa? We've already got enough politicians there: why torture us more?

Montreal? You must be fucking kidding. Half of the members will get lost tryig to reach the damn place because all the signs must be in French in the province of Québec while the other half would spend their waking hours at the Club Super Sexe. Bad idea.

Churchill? You're quite familiar with the term "animal abuse"? Bullshit does not neccesarily appeal to polar bears, y'know?

Vancouver? There's an ideal place! Cosmopolitan, beuatiful scenery, nice "coffee houses". Imagine getting a Security Council meeting at one of these places.

"Y'know..." (drags doobie) "I'd think Sharon should chill about building a wall around those Pale Estonians, dude. What d'you think?"

"Well, she oughta invite them for some Nazi Balls soup, heh heh heh." (huffs blunt)

"Hey, bumba clot! Sharon, him a dude, mon! Now pass me dat hoochie, mon!"

"Sorry, Kofi."

OTOH... bad idea.

Regina? The place is too flat and too boring for such a cosmopolitan organization. One third of the members might get beaten up by the local rednecks ("What? You ain't got no job?"), another third by the local Aboriginals ("You look like you're the wrong Nation, Bro!") while the final third would drink themselves into a stupour because Regina is that boring.

Toronto? Sorry. We already have the world here. But it may not be a bad idea if we could control it. (I'm from there, BTW!)

So my suggestion is to ship it to Alert, Nunavut. We have a Canadian Forces station there, so security should be no problem. Plus, there's lots of sunshine in the summer, so all the tropical members should have no problems feeling right at home. Okay, so it's dark for 6 months. But then doesn't this organization thrive in the dark anyways? >:D


C'mon... I thought Texans love their barbecue!

All kidding aside (I was kidding, right?), I agree that our Customs people can be assholes, sometimes. Just like your Customs people. I guess there is an asshole aptitude test for that. Maybe it's standard procedure: treat everyone with contempt.

At least, when I show my military ID, I'd get treated a little more humanely.

But for God's sake, don't move the UN to Halifax... I live here now!

(End rant.)



Mary in LA said...

ROFL!!! :-) So I guess we're stuck with the Great Turd of Turtle Bay for a while longer. Considerate of you to think of sparing the poor defenseless polar bears from the dreaded diplomats. sites won't load on my cranky work PC, so I had to wait till I got home to read your post. Nice blog! Congratulations.

Mary in LA said...

I really need those computer glasses...

I think we'll need the entire fleet of Imperial Black Helicopters to get the UselessNabobs to Nunavut. Ya want those crates with or without parachutes??? ;-)

Anonymous said...

"C'mon...don't Texans love their barbecue"?

Yeah, just not on the roof.

Nice blog, Jacques, I like your style. Didn't want to post as "anonymous" but didn't feel like setting up a password either. I have trouble remembering them!

Actually, I was thinking of Halifax Intl. Airport when I said "snotty customs agents." I'd like to take the whole customs/security dept. there and bang their heads together to see if anything rattles. Perhaps they don't have enough to do. I haven't had a problem in Ontario thus far. It's also busier there. Maybe the military ID did help you. I got so pissed coming home last month I vowed to boycott Nova Scotia, except it would be self-defeating.

Regarding American customs - a lot of them barely speak English. They're probably illegals themselves. Heh!



Anonymous said...

"But for God's sake, don't move the UN to Halifax... I live here now!"

Right! "Oh, I just love the idea of a half-way house for Sodomite pedophiles. Just don't put it in MY neighborhood."

Set them up near the Citadel. I'd pay to see a "friendly" fire incident.


The Real Dray said...

Well... it's great seeing a plethora of views from the Yankee Rottweiler camp.

Cheryl: I could take all the punishment meted out to me, both justified and unjustified, but UN - NIMBY, baby!

Unless Romeo gets to be Sec. Gen.

Bear in mind that the UN also had an ex-Nazi as Sec Gen: doesn't that fact make your blood boil? It should.

LC Mary in LA: bring in the whole org, lock, stock and muthafukkin barrel up to Alert, preferably delivered by black helicopters in the dead of winter. Just try not to make too much noise, eh?

Wait... that would constitute pollution in the Arctic! Aww - nevermind.

Anonymous said...

OT: If you run into this scum could you give him a punch in the face for me please. Last I read he was in your neck of the woods.


Doug Copp

The Real Dray said...

Azygos... Consider it done.

Or at least medium rare.