Thursday, December 01, 2005

File Under "Newly Dead"...
Jessica Simpson Now Up For Grabs!

Jess and Whatshisface:
As real and true as a Liberal promise.
This is definitely old news - especially if you've been stuffing your face with tabloid media for the past few months. But it's worth a mention if only because I've been praying for the termination of that overglorified infomercial called "Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica".

Everyone knows about it - has-been teen-pop wannabes Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson get hitched and started to consumate their unholy matrimony in front of all these cameras. Whether this stunt was meant to improve their sagging pop-star images or not, it exposed Nick as being a bit of a dick and Jessica as a bit of a ditz. Which is a bit like saying that Michael Moore is a bit of a liberal moonbat.

But now... the Newlyweds are "Newlydead"!

Of course... you have all those rumours about Nick having a serious problem keeping his thing in his pants in face of all temptation. But then again, if I were saddled with a blonde space-cadet with room-temperature IQ, I'd be on the hunt for better specimens myself.

But on the upside (or downside), Jess is up for grabs again. Potential handlers suitors should posses high intelligence, degrees in child psychology and psychiatry, must work well under intense stress and have assets in form of lion-taming, preschool education and Mafia strongarm tactics (to deal with in-laws). Physical and sexual endowments are also assets but shouldn't be seen as necessities.

As for Nick - who cares!

PS: for those still stunned by the news, a little "reality-check".

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